Confession!

I am in a bit of a special mood today. I should be jumping for joy and exploding with positive energy. Today is a gorgeous day and with the warm weather, great news, party events planned....I have no reason to be down and emotional.

I can't explain what I am going through. With having had the morning to think about what it is that I am feeling...all I can come up with is that my state is based on a feeling of being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by life. Everything is in order. I don't understand.

I got some pretty awesome news today; I passed my real estate exam. I didn't dare look at the grade myself. I couldn't bring myself to look. My dear dear friend that was in the program with me called me up today. He was waiting to hear from me.....so that we could celebrate together...our accomplishments. I told him....I didn't want to look. I couldn't look! I was terrified of failure. Terrified in the worst way. He said he would look. He did! I passed!! He really was excited for the both of us. I cried!! I am crying! I think because I failed the first time....I was defeated and there was so much pressure to succeed this time. I am the only one who put this much pressure on myself. What if I had failed? I had just blocked out the notion of passing and failing altogether...that when I finally got the results...I was just overcome by emotion. I am 31 years old. I need to succeed at this. I need to be great at something and I want more than anything for this to be what I am great at! There isn't anymore room for doubt or wasting time.
For those of you who know me well...you know that I present myself with honesty, integrity and CONFIDENCE! Well...that isn't false or misguided. But you have to remember I am a Gemini and the other side of me....is a scared, worried, stressed out and I think....I am low in the confidence department...at least with anything that is new and unfamiliar.

I did drink more than I could handle the night before last. Maybe the booze is still fogging my brain. I watched a movie this morning called Tetro. So beautiful, sweet and sad all at once. It was shot in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I am totally head over heels in love with that country. I think having woken up with a headache...a continuation from yesterday's hangover, having watched that movie that melted my heart, hearing the news of my passing grade and finally....having to face that one of my bffs is moving away to British Columbia...all combined is burdening my heart/soul and mind. I would say I need a drink...but that might not be a great idea. Ahhhh....screw it!!! Going for a drink!!!

Peace out y'all!! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you...please be safe in all that you do!! xo P